How many people have been on a diet? Our guess is probably almost everyone who reads this; because let's face it, America has a great deal of junk food issues. We think nothing of buying Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls instead of buying fresh fruits and vegetables. But it is not our fault Americans...it is the fault of the grocery stores and restaurants that price the healthy salad at $10.95 and the greasy cheeseburger at $5.95. But the prices are not the reason for today's Blog. Today we want to talk about all the diet plans out there. You cannot turn on the TV without seeing a commercial for some magic pill or diet plan that guarantees you will lose 50 lbs in a month.
All of the commercials are filmed by movie stars and skinny bitches. The movie star can afford lipo so DUH they are thinner and the skinny bitch...well she was born with good genes and got lucky. But for the rest of the real world out there who could stand to lose a few pounds, we have plenty of diet plans to choose from.
We can buy the diet plan that sends food right to our house and we just throw it in the microwave. Super easy, but costs the same as a car payment to do. Not to mention microwaves cause super crazy illnesses; didn't the office gossip warn you about this? Oh yeah and the food is NASTY! Save your money people, we have tried it for you and it tastes a lot like cardboard. Please refrain from asking us how we know what cardboard tastes like, it is not your business, it is private.
Next we have all the awesome and easy to use machines that they sell on TV. Our favorite is the Shake Weight...you know you saw the commercial and we know what you perverts thought of, which is exactly where we are going with this. Why buy a machine that you hold in your hands and shake up and down when you can go to the bar down the street and get a new "Shake Weight" every night. If you have a husband, then hell...no reason to even leave the house. You have a Shake Weight sitting on the couch right next to you and you don't even have to stand up to lose the weight.
Last are the diet pills; if they work for Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe than they will work for you too right? They would never lie to us. Diet pills are a little less costly and are a good choice if you hate your husband, but the problem is they are usually loaded with something that causes you to get real bouncy and hyper and then you get blurred vision, dizzy, and nausea. It might be cheaper to get a prescription from one of our many doctors. We suggest a cocktail of Valium and Ritalin.
So we will now tell you the real way to lose weight...the colon cleanse. You can pick this up at any store. This diet allows you to eat whatever you want, not exercise, and is pretty cheap too. You just pop a few pills and everything cleans itself right out. Sounds kind of gross we know; but look at your choices...eat cardboard, touch your husband, or trust three sisters who make all their money from innocent consumers who don't know better. We say go with the cleanse and eat that cheeseburger.
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