Knee Deep In Dead Armadillos

This blog is written entirely by Lisa

Unlike Jen, I don't have wonderful tales of ghetto living, mine are more of a country fried variety. I must admit although I am jealous of Jen and her gun shots to lull her to sleep while I only have crickets, she maybe jealous of the chain gang I drive past everyday as they repair our streets. Or the cattle ranch across the street. This Midwestern girl is having one hell of a time adjusting to Southern life.

When you meet someone new where I live, they usually only have two questions for you, 1; Where do you go to church and 2: Where are you watching the Gators game? This place is what I consider the Southern Bible belt. I come from a metro area with a bar on every corner, that has now been replaced with a church on every corner, and some in the middle of the block, too. They have every kind of Baptist Church here. Who knew that there was such thing as a Korean Baptist?!?!?! My favorite thing about churches has always been there festivals and bingo, these churches just pray.

Now back to those pesky Gators, EVERYTHING in this town is orange and blue and I mean EVERYTHING from the McDonalds to the skimpy game day dress that drunk co-ed down by campus wears to the trailer that my kids go to school in. Don't get me wrong, I like orange fine, I like blue fine but looking at orange and blue and only orange and blue for the last ten months make me really miss other colors, even ugly colors. Anyone who knows me knows I don't care about football in any variety so being smack in the middle of it, ugh. Make that double ugh!! For goodness sakes, my kids don't have off of school for some religious holidays (in the Bible belt) but they have off for the Gators Homecoming Parade. Sheesh

One thing I thought was going to be nice here was a community pool in my subdivision. However, I was wrong. Most days when I go there, there is some fatty with her muffin top hanging over her bikini that hasn't fit her since the late 90s. Now ladies, be real with yourself, if your fat, own it and buy a one piece, no one wants to see that. Once a week, I throw up in my mouth a little at my pool. Of course on the days when I get lucky and muffin top momma isn't there, it's raining, it rains most every afternoon here. Annoying! Does it needs to rain everyday??

I take my life into my own hands every time I venture out into the streets. While I do have the reputation as a bad driver, ironically it is not my driving skills or lack there of that put me in danger. Lets start with grandma and grandpa. They are usually too short to see over the steering wheel and they think it's a good idea to drive 15 miles under the speed limit in both lanes. Then we have the co-eds and their mopeds, while I do give some of them with their pink mopeds (my favorite color) credit, they do think the rules of the road don't apply to them, they weave in and out of traffic, shoot into traffic and are just stupid drivers in general.

You thought I forgot about the armadillo didn't you? But oh no, I didn't. You can't drive five blocks in this town without seeing an armadillo splattered allover the road. The strange part is no one in my family has ever see a live one. It's as if they ship dead ones in and lay them on the road. I have spent the better part of a year wondering where the damn armadillos come from. So I ask you, do you think that the cattle ranch is really an armadillo ranch? Or do you think the chain gang brings them every day? Or are the various churches behind it all??